While I'm up...

"Black, black..black and blue, beat me til I'm numb, tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from..."

Man, Bruno Mars can be a downer...Anyways! Some thoughts:

At the moment, after much frustration, I realize I am where I'm supposed to be. If I were meant to be somewhere else, I'd be there. When I ask God above to make me the women he wants me to be, and show me my path, but nothing changes, maybe it's because I'm actually right where I belong, at this moment, in this time, during these unsure days of my simple, easy life.

I keep thinking of Hawaii, more specifically the ocean...it's calling out to me, I literally FEEL it staring me down...Water is my element, and swimming,my passion...Least one of them. I don't get to revel in this joy as often as I'd like, but when I do,rest assured, I never take it for granted. I am in love; it's power, danger, depth, promises, stories...Everything. I lately feel so far from it, far from a piece of me. I need to get back to the place I really love. And dancing, dancing near the ocean. I've only done it by myself, but it was still the best of all my worlds wrapped into one regular sunrise on a beach in Waikiki...can't quite imagine what it would have been like to have someone there dancing with me. Someday...

I'm reading this book called, "Out of the Black Shadows". It's the story of a man who grew up an orphan in Africa and how he found God. While reading it, he talked about how much he was filled with God's love when he finally found him, and I stopped dead in my tracks (reading tracks) and thought to myself; when was the last time I was dumbfounded by His love for me? When did I last let THAT make my day? When was the last time I thought "His love is enough..with just that, I have the makings of a beautiful day". As horrible as it is to say it, I take it for granted...I've never known a life without any knowledge of God, so I don't know how it feels to discover him in the darkest of times. I can feel Him, I know He is around me always, but it's a comfort feeling, it's familiar as my skin or my ribs, My eyes or my hair.

Though I have the comfort, I want the passion and limitless joy that comes with being reborn, like Stephen has in my book. I know that love and joy is still in me, still close to the surface since I feel God's love daily, I just wish it were pouring out of everything I say and do, like it does for so many new believers. Now, having said that, I have no excuse to make it happen...Let's see if I hold true to what I know is right.


-Kels