I donno

My life is going swimmingly. I work out regularly, look great, not ill in any way, my jobs are wonderful, my friendships are sturdy, and yet, I get twinges of...worry, or fear, or that something isn't right. This isn't true though, there's nothing wrong in my life.

Ever get that twinge? That something's wrong, but when you go throughout the files in your brain, you can't pinpoint anything? It's just annoying.

Get a little mud on the tires

I dig when people experiment with their style...ya know the kind that have 6 different styles, and each fits them perfectly. I find it admirable in a superficial way, the sister that is 25 is like this, she can be punk, indie, classic, and flapper-esque and always pulls it off.

I am small town/classic. Nothing fancy, nothing outrageous. If I have levi's or a sundress, I'm ok.

Country is my soundtrack, but classic rock and pop are the background music. It sounds elementary, but I have noticed wherever I go, country music connects people, I dare say more than any other genre, at least this decade that's true.

Perhaps one of the most pointless posts of my blogging life, but ya know what? Why not?

:-s Day or Time

My upbringing and personal knowledge of the end times and what the Bible says, clearly tells me that no one knows the day or time in which Jesus will come back. "Like a thief in the night" is pretty much the only hint we're getting, and I think it's good to not know...panic and caos would be inevitable, and no one would truly live life to the fullest because of fear/waiting.

I have felt anxious and weird all week long. I thought it was just because of my lack of full-time job-dom, but now I'm wondering if this whole MAY 11, 2011 is actually what has been in the back of my mind, ruining my times in the sun where I would just relax, but that unknown...thing was bothering me.

I highly doubt anything will happen tomorrow. Even if it does, I know where I am going, but, as selfish as it sounds, I still have so many things I want to do here before I gotta leave. I know the view from heaven of Earth will be pretty great compared to the view from an airplane, Eyers Rock, or Mount Kilimanjaro, but that doesn't make me want to see these things any less. I want to know parts of this world beyond Louisiana, Idaho, and Hawaii. I just hope I get to experience it...and that this uneasy feeling goes away, and that it's replaced with a peaceful, easy one.

While I'm up...

"Black, black..black and blue, beat me til I'm numb, tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from..."

Man, Bruno Mars can be a downer...Anyways! Some thoughts:

At the moment, after much frustration, I realize I am where I'm supposed to be. If I were meant to be somewhere else, I'd be there. When I ask God above to make me the women he wants me to be, and show me my path, but nothing changes, maybe it's because I'm actually right where I belong, at this moment, in this time, during these unsure days of my simple, easy life.

I keep thinking of Hawaii, more specifically the ocean...it's calling out to me, I literally FEEL it staring me down...Water is my element, and swimming,my passion...Least one of them. I don't get to revel in this joy as often as I'd like, but when I do,rest assured, I never take it for granted. I am in love; it's power, danger, depth, promises, stories...Everything. I lately feel so far from it, far from a piece of me. I need to get back to the place I really love. And dancing, dancing near the ocean. I've only done it by myself, but it was still the best of all my worlds wrapped into one regular sunrise on a beach in Waikiki...can't quite imagine what it would have been like to have someone there dancing with me. Someday...

I'm reading this book called, "Out of the Black Shadows". It's the story of a man who grew up an orphan in Africa and how he found God. While reading it, he talked about how much he was filled with God's love when he finally found him, and I stopped dead in my tracks (reading tracks) and thought to myself; when was the last time I was dumbfounded by His love for me? When did I last let THAT make my day? When was the last time I thought "His love is enough..with just that, I have the makings of a beautiful day". As horrible as it is to say it, I take it for granted...I've never known a life without any knowledge of God, so I don't know how it feels to discover him in the darkest of times. I can feel Him, I know He is around me always, but it's a comfort feeling, it's familiar as my skin or my ribs, My eyes or my hair.

Though I have the comfort, I want the passion and limitless joy that comes with being reborn, like Stephen has in my book. I know that love and joy is still in me, still close to the surface since I feel God's love daily, I just wish it were pouring out of everything I say and do, like it does for so many new believers. Now, having said that, I have no excuse to make it happen...Let's see if I hold true to what I know is right.


-Kels

You may say I'm a dreamer...

A muscle in my shoulder is doing that annoying fatigue thing where it twitches sporadically, like your eye or your eyebrow will do when your body's lacking some nutrient. While this is occurring, I have snowflakes melting in my hair, occasionally sliding down the peak of my forehead and pestering me like a bug on a summer night. Tonight could not be any more opposite than a summer night, as the snow steadily falls, our cars steadily become encased in meteorological icing, and I down 2 vitamin Cs and an under-ripe orange, convinced that somehow I can beat this cold that has been trying to get me for the past three days...Vitamin C is the Superman of the supplement world while vitamin A is Batman.

I guess you could say I believe in fate...I believe my life has got a plan, and though I am free to make my own decisions and choices, those decisions and choices lead me to wherever I am supposed to go, and help me become whoever I'm supposed to be...but have you ever had it where you get to a fork in the road, and both forks lead to other roads with different forks, and you're simply stuck on whether to pick the right fork or left? I've been at this crossroads for...I donno...a long time, I'd say a month or two, and even though I'm trying so hard to read the signs, ask for guidance, be my best, make the most of stuff, spend time alone, spend time with everyone, wait, be pro-active, nothing is any more clear to me. It's frustrating the hell out of me.

I'm stubborn in my thoughts, I think I've mentioned before how I tend to view things as black and white, when in fact I know I need to be more comfortable with shades of gray...but for cryin' out loud, this is the biggest shade of gray I may have ever stumbled across...and I hate it with its big, colorless face, its taunting, feature-less body, and the most annoying trait of all; it's ability to just linger above me...no big rush, but not dilly-dallying...taunting me, keeping me company, annoying me to no end.

A conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years mere study of books.

Last night, I had a four hour conversation with someone I do not know very well, and it was more fulfilling than so many other conversations I have had with my closest friends in the past year. Hearing this person remember, vent, rejoice, and dream in my presence made me feel honored. So often people take conversations for granted, but if you think about it, they are very important in the development of our lives; to share what you're thinking, especially on the topics of love and success, is a pretty big deal.(I think) Thoughts are valuable, incredible things grow out of ideas, and I don't think people realize it takes a certain amount of trust to truly talk to another being.

My wish for you, the reader, whoever you are, is to have a real conversation this week...I hope you, or someone you care about opens up to a trusted friend, and says what you've been wanting to say for so long, but didn't think you would find anyone to listen. ♥

I don't forget easily

I don't expect all the people that read this to have the same political or spiritual beliefs that I do, but since it's my blog,I'm gonna say how I feel and what I believe. In no way do you have to agree completely with me, that's one thing I've learned is so crucial in society--independent thinking.

Today as I was standing in the mist and the rain, surrounded by strangers, and a favorite soul, I was nestled in between two hills covered in forest, and I felt a serge of hope. I don't quite know what brought it on...Maybe cuz I felt happy, maybe because I was in the middle of manicured, natural beauty. Whatever it was, it gave me a boost, and Lord knows I've been needing a boost. That boost and hope got me thinkin' about our President. I was such an Obama girl back in the day when I first learned about him, just some senator with a huge dream that I believed in. His whole campaign was "hope", "yes we can" "equality" "change". Change. I hate that word because so many times in my life "change" has meant "loss". But with Obama, change meant being a free country again...least that's what I got out of it.

I watch the State of the Union, and re-read articles from the times before Obama was elected...when he was just a Senator with a dream. The whole country was so on board, and so positive about it. We were hopeful...but I feel like it has faded. After 9/11 this country was united in brotherhood and loyalty, but that flame slowly died out, too. It's still in me, but what I guess I'm trying to say is, how can I, a single person in the boonies of Idaho start a movement to change the face of this planet? Of this country? Hell, even of this state?

My friend Aruba just told me,

"...the change you want to see in the world must start with the change you start in you.."

I'll do what I can...